Top 5 Scenes in Ikiru

I still can't decide if Kurosawa's best film is Seven Samurai or Ikiru. Seven Samurai is perhaps the most influential film of the last half of the 20th century. Yet Ikiru is simply one of the most beautiful, most honest and touching films ever made. Here are five of my favorite scenes. What do you think? Which of your favorite scenes do you think I'm leaving out?

5- After Watanabe's doctor visit, where he finds out he has stomach cancer with six months to live, he drifts along aimlessly through the streets. There is no sound, prompting the audience to wonder if their TV broke, until Watanabe's daze is broken by the loud horn of a truck. Only then, we understand that the sound was not broken, that we were in Watanabe's mind, ignoring the outside world with the weight of the sudden devastating news bearing heavily on his shoulder. Kurosawa proves that sometimes a lack of sound is just as effective as a 5.1 surround extravaganza.

4- A very quick shot of the toy bunny created in the factory where the young girl Watanabe spends time with before his death works, nestled next to Watanabe's photo at his funeral. The shot appears right after one of the bureaucrats asks if the girl even bothered visiting Watanabe. Kurosawa answers the question without relying on a word of dialogue.

3- The ingenious and hilarious montage of various bureaucrats giving the poor women who complain about the disease-ridden swamp in their neighborhood, told with wipes, Kurosawa's favorite transition. If this montage feels very similar to many comedies you've seen, you're probably right. This is where it started.

2- At the jazz night club he visits with the intellectual novelist, Watanabe sings a song called "Life is Brief" (Also known as "The Gondola Song"). Kurosawa stays on Takeshi Shimura's face as he sings the song with a gravely, otherworldly voice, as pebble-sized teardrops fall from his eyes. Truly one of the greatest male performances in film history.

1- And finally, Watanabe sings "Life is Brief" again, swinging on the swings in the park he worked hard to create as one last attempt to bring some meaning to his otherwise pointless life. The snow falls delicately on Watanabe, as he sings one last time before he dies, as if calling to the audience; "Life is brief. Fall in love, maidens." If you didn't cry during this scene, I don't know what to say.

Top 5 Movies That Should be Released on Criterion

A couple of days ago, Barnes & Noble started a 50% sale off all Criterion titles. This includes their entire DVD and Blu-Ray catalogue, and yes, the otherwise $400 Kurosawa treasure chest (It's too massive to be called a box set) is also in that list. Anyone willing to donate $200?

Needless to say, for a cinephile this is like crackheads finding out that crack is suddenly %50 off. It's a miracle I still haven't pawned off all my possessions and am not blowing strange men in the Tenderloin in order to buy Wages of Fear on Blu-Ray.

In celebration of the sale, I thought of some great movies that would become even greater experiences on DVD or Blu-Ray if they were to be released by Criterion. Here's hoping...

5- Office Space: I can already Imagine the minimalist cover with the title handwritten on a floppy drive along with instructions on how to install the Superman III virus. This could be a 2-DVD set with a brand new pristine transfer, two commentaries, one with Mike Judge and crew, another with the cast, a feature-length documentary that includes never before seen behind the scenes footage, the original animated clip from SNL, and a short feature on the film's cultural impact.

4- The Big Lebowski: The recent 2-DVD release of this more-than-cult classic that spawned a festival that is visited by over 40.000 people a year left much to be desired. The Criterion edition could include a bunch of commentaries, new interviews by cast and crew, the full documentary about Lebowski-fest, of which a 10-minute clip was included in the recent DVD release, and the small print version of the I'm a Lebowski, You're a Lebowski book.

3- Children of Men: The original DVD release of this modern masterpiece had very little in it as far as special features were concerned and sported a fairly uninspired cover of a forlorn Clive Owen. A Criterion 2-Disc version can give this film the release it deserves. First of all, that cover has to change. I'm imagining a box made to look like a Quietus suicide package, with no hint of the film's title or even the fact that the product is a DVD/Blu-Ray anywhere on the outer packaging.

That way, you weed out the hipsters who pretend to love the movie 'cause it's so "raw" and "edgy", from the true admirers, since anyone who really knows this film will recognize the Quietus logo from a mile away. Inside the package could be instructions on how to basically kill yourself with the pill, with information on the disc contents hidden throughout.

Along with the usual pristine transfer, the release could have many, many technical commentaries, and impeccably detailed feature-length documentaries describing every single aspect of bringing this complex project to the screen, including a 90-minute making of documentary about that infamous 8-minute shot.

2- Seconds: This odd and way ahead of its time thriller directed by John Frankenheimer and starring Rock Hudson is so bizarre, I'm surprised Criterion hasn't jumped on it already. The story follows the Twilight Zone-esque adventure of an old man who is transformed into a prime-of-his-life Rock Hudson when he realizes he is disappointed in his life and wants a second chance at things. Not only is he given Rock Hudson's good looks by a mysterious corporation, he also receives a brand new mansion, a luxury car and a beautiful wife. But he has no idea about the terrifying consequences when he realizes how fake and manufactured his new life is and wants out.

Seconds holds the distinction of being the only film I have ever seen whose ending made me feel physically ill. Hudson and Frankenheimer are both dead, so I don't know what the new special features would entail, but a clear new Blu-Ray transfer with a spiffy new cover won't hurt.

1- A Boy and His Dog: One of the only cult films that holds the distinction of being a highly pleasurable oddity and a critically-acclaimed post-apocalyptic masterpiece, A Boy and His Dog deserves an all-out a-la Brazil 3-Disc release from Criterion. First of all, this is a film that deserves a new anamorphic HD transfer. I know for a fact that a clean, remastered 35mm version of the film exists. I've seen it firsthand with director LQ Jones in attendance. It would be amazing if the set could include a new commentary by Jones along with the old one from the original DVD release, and a new feature-length interview before he passes on (As of this writing, he's 83 years old).

The second DVD could also include a short documentary about Tiger the dog, and interviews about the film's vast influence on its genre by directors of post-apocalyptic sci-fi like George Miller, who on more than one occasion credited this film as his main inspiration for Mad Max. What would the 3rd DVD contain? Why, the pilot episode of Miami Vice, of course.

Top 5 "Galeyana Gelmeyin, Politik Numaralar Bunlar!!" Movies

The above statement translates to "Top 5 'Don't Get Too Excited, These Are Political Ploys!!' Movies". The two reasons this post has a Turkish title is because it sounds better in Turkish, and because it was inspired by a recent tragedy involving an Isreali attack on a Turkish aid ship and the ensuing "outrage" that predictably fall like domino pieces on the political conspiracy playground. The execution of this political and emotional exploitation is so precise, it's almost mathematical.

I would say that it's so obvious this is a calculated move by The Turkish right-wing government and the religious right sending poor patriotic peons to slaughter so they can beef up the religious and patriotic sensibilities of the working class long enough to last until the next election. Yet I guess it isn't so obvious since I'm still sad to see many quote unquote educated and sensible people posting deceptively easy and naive Anti-Israel and veiled anti-semetic posts without thinking for a second as to the real hows, whens and whys of this outcome.

I'm far from being Pro-Israel and I'm definitely not a political science major. I'm just a guy who can see the strings using an uncanny superpower called "basic analytical thinking". That's why it's shocking to me how a lot of people who ought to know better fall in line to these obvious ploys like flies to a bug zapper, when anyone who has remedial knowledge of politics and political history should immediately realize that something doesn't smell right.

So as a public service, I took it upon myself to list five movies (Technically six) that cleverly expose these games for all to see as a sort of visual antidote:

5- Z / Missing (Costa-Gavras Double Feature):

This one-two punch from the master of political thrillers Costa-Gavras will open the viewers' eyes and make them realize just how far any government will go to ensure their survival. Inspired by a real event that happened in Gavras' hometown Greece, Z is about the blatant assassination of an influential leftist politician and the investigation into the ensuing cover-up. Missing is about a father, beautifully played by Jack Lemmon, who looks for his missing political writer son after a violent coup in 1973 Chile, only to find out (MAJOR SPOILER!!) that he was killed by The CIA after all. The irony is that throughout the whole movie the CIA pretends to look for the "troublemaking" writer along with the father. Considered by many to be the two best examples of their genre, these two films will definitely make you think twice about forming a quick opinion about any political event.

4- Canadian Bacon:

After the four hour Costa-Gavras depressathon, you deserve some light yet fierce political satire. Released in 1995, Canadian Bacon holds the distinction of being late John Candy's last film, and "the right-wing's canker sore" Michael Moore's only fiction feature. The story is about a wimpy president (Alan Alda) who is duped into manufacturing a war with "The Canadian Menace" after realizing he might end up a lowly "single termer". Far from being perfect, the film's characters are strictly one-dimensional and it has uneven pacing, but it makes up for all that with hilariously insightful jokes nitpicking every condemnation strategy the government and the media machine uses to incite hatred towards whatever country has the most oil that week, or will bring the most votes upon its decimation. My favorite scare tactic from an anti-Canadian ad within the movie: "Imagine your kids putting mayonnaise on everything."

3- Bill Hicks Live (DVD):

I know that this is technically not a movie, but especially in times like these, the late comedian Bill Hicks' brutally-honest-angry-preacher attitude will help open your "third eye" and make you realize "how you're being fucked by the government every single day of your life". The DVD includes almost all of Hicks' comedy specials. If you can't get your hands on it, type "Bill Hicks" on Youtube and watch every clip you see.

2- The Battle of Algiers:

Gillo Pontecorvo's masterpiece is considered to be one of the best war films ever made. It also holds the distinction of being perhaps the only war film that tells the story equally and completely objectively from both sides of the conflict. Being Italian, and having nothing to do with the French-Algerian war, Pontecorvo manages to do the impossible and truly shows us that there are no "good guys and bad guys" in war all the while not letting either side take the moral high ground. Both sides divulge themselves in equally reprehensible atrocities against the enemy in the name of their country. It's a truly powerful film that shows us the absolute and finite vilification or deification of any side in a conflict is never the right first step into peacefully resolving any issue.

1- Wag The Dog:

This one is the grandpappy of all political conspiracy movies. Released in late 1997 during the height of the Clinton-Lewinsky scandal, Wag The Dog is about the the president's topper than top secret spin doctors hiring a Hollywood producer to sell a non-existing war with Albania in order to divert the public's attention from a real presidential scandal involving a cheerleader. The lengths the team goes to perfect the illusion of war are both hilarious and terrifying at the same time: They create footage of "war-torn Albania" using actors, a green screen and a bag of patato chips that will later be digitally replaced by a cute kitten. If you can't find the other five films, at least try to watch this one and realize that nothing you are being spoon-fed by the government and the media is real and please, calm the fuck down.

Top 5 Movies Set in Italy

I just got back from a week-long vacation from Italy. My beautiful wife and I started out in Rome, then made our way to Florence, and finally ended up in the crowded yet sublime and dream-like Venice. As a film student, I've seen many DeSica and Fellini fims in my lifetime. And as a husband, I had to sit through an endless number of overly-romanticized American romantic comedies that take place in Italy. Speaking of which, what is it with women and American movies that take place in Italy? They love them, but will refuse to watch Italian films about Italy. Don't believe me? Next time ask a woman which movie they like more, "Under The Tuscan Sun" or "La Strada?"

Anyway, the trip made me think back to all the films I watched about Italy and re-evaluate them with a fresh perspective, now that I've actually seen a lot of the locations depicted in those movies with my own eyes. Bear in mind that these are films that take place in Italy, not only Italian-made films, hence the inclusion of a couple of American titles.

5- Roman Holiday (Guess which city it takes place in?):

If I had to pick one out of the bucketfuls of Hollywood romantic comedies shot in Italy (And there's a lot. Italy is an obvious shooting location for romantic visuals. The Trevi Fountain alone certainly makes the cinematographer's job easy), I'd go for this 1953 Gregory Peck and Audrey Hepburn charmer. One of the most beloved entries in the genre, Roman Holiday not only gives us a genuinely sweet story full of done-to-death rom-com staples such as "the attractive couple that doesn't like each other at the beginning and have ulterior motives for being together only to fall in love in the end", the film also provides us with a full guided tour of Rome circa 1950s right to our living room. Writing this article, I remembered that I forgot to check out the infamous wall of wishes where Gregory Peck pretends to have his hand mauled by an ancient mouth in the wall. Which saddened me until I found out that it no longer exists, having been taken down for some reason in the late 50s.

4- Don't Look Now (Venice):

This Nicholas Roeg helmed horror flick from the early 70s is about a couple who decides to move to Venice after their daughter dies from a tragic drowning accident (Therefore Venice, a city literally covered by water, is the perfect place to forget the past, right?). Unlike many films shot in Venice that take advantage from its romantic aspects, Don't Look Now, with its long and gloomy shots of the narrow, lonely and dark streets and canals really manages to make the otherwise beautiful city seem dangerous and menacing. Having seen the city myself, I can see what Roeg, a onetime cinematographer, was going for. There were times in Venice when we found ourselves in a dark alleyway or a shadowy dead-end with only the subtle sounds of the gondolas slapping against the still waters to keep us company, I had sudden flashbacks of a murderous creepy old midget woman in a red raincoat gunning for my throat. Those of you who have seen the movie know what I'm talking about, and have lost many nights of sleep over it.

3- Umberto D. (Rome):

Quite possibly the greatest of the Italian Neo-Realist films, being slightly better than the more popular Bicycle Thief by the grand master of Neo-Realism, Vittorio DeSica, who also helmed Umberto D. as a swan song to the movement before moving onto much lighter fare like Peter Sellers comedies. It's about an old pensioner named Umberto Domenico Ferrari who becomes so broke in decrepid post-war Rome, that he decides to kill himself. The only problem is that he doesn't know what to do with his dog, his only real companion in life. The film is about Umberto trying to find a new home for his dog so he can commit suicide with a clear conscience. That is pretty much it. Within the simplicity of the story lies its raw emotional power. It is one of the most devastating filmwatching experiences of my life and I do not want to sit through the heartbreaking finale ever again, although I probably will one day. The film also showcases some familiar Rome locations in stark realism, almost as an antithesis for Roman Holiday's gleeful romanticism.

2- The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen (Venice):

Just kidding.

1- Nights of Cabiria (Rome):

Usually overlooked by other Fellini staples such as 8 (What is the shortcut on the keyboard that makes the 1/2 sign? I always look it up, and then I always forget. Ah, screw it.) and La Dolce Vita, Nights of Cabiria is, in my opinion, Fellini's best, since it incorporates his earlier Neo-Realist sensibilities without becoming too melodramatic like La Strada did at times (Don't gang up on me, I said "at times") and it included a hint of his later, more colorful and exhuberant style without going off the deep end like Juliet of The Spirits. Anchored by quite possibly one of the most memorable performances by an actress via Fellini's wife Guilletta Masina, the film follows the crude yet adorable prostitude Maria as she is flung from one adventure to another within the sprawling and diverse streets of Rome. From the decadence of a famous movie star's house to the depravity of the homeless living in caves outside the city, Fellini runs the whole gamut. After having experienced the city firsthand, this is the one film that I think perfectly captures the beauty and the chaos of Rome.

Top 5 Horror Movies For Writers

The following are not films that necessarily belong in the horror genre. Most of them can be categorized as dramas, at least for the general audience. For writers, on the the other hand, they are campfire horror stories full of shriek-inducing terrors that will send a cold chill down every writer's spine.

Horrors such as writer's block, creative insecurity, self-doubt, impending poverty due to not being able to sell your work, that nagging feeling that always reminds you that no matter how hard you try, you might never make it as a writer.

These are films that present and exploit these horrors in such a brutally honest and relentless way, they force us writers to face our innermost fears head on. For us, they are horror films that make us wince in our seats at how familiar the writer's worries and insecurities feel to us.

Although these are great films in their own right, they should not be watched alone by struggling writers, especially during writer's block or moments of extremely low self-esteem.

5- Sunset Boulevard:

To me the horror in Sunset Boulevard doesn't come from knowing William Holden will die at the end. Billy Wilder's masterpiece created one of the most famous and continuously ripped-off (I'm looking at you "American Beauty") story devices in film history. But that device provides the film's suspense. You see Holden dead at the bottom of the pool in the first scene, and for the rest of the film wonder how he's going to die. That's suspense.

The writer's horror, on the other hand, comes from a nightmarish situation every writer has faced at one point: Writing something you know is a piece of crap for someone you know is either a hack or a nut job (In this case, the nuttiest of them all, Gloria "I'm ready for my close-up" Swanson). And why do you do it? Because there is no one else interested in your writing and you think this is your last chance at ever making anything out of your life. You try and you try and what happens at the end? You end up dead at the bottom of the pool.

4- Sideways:

Any "still aspiring" writer in their 40s and up should steer clear from Sideways. Hell, I was 25 when I saw it and it scared me so bad, I refuse to see it again. What's so terrifying about an indie darling about wine tasting? Paul Giammatti's pathetic middle-aged writer Miles.

Still unpublished, divorced and a disgusting douche bag as his only friend, Miles is the equivalent of "Scared Straight" for young writers. A boogeyman to keep us motivated into finding another career. "Make sure you find something else to do with your life kids. Otherwise no matter how hard you try and how much you motivate yourself, you'll more than likely end up like Miles."

The most terrifying scene? After hearing about how the only thing Miles has left to cling to life is the publication of his book for an hour and a half, he finds out that the book will not be published. And what does he do to deal with the pain? He pours an entire barrel of wine on his face and makes an even bigger ass of himself than he ever did.

3- Adaptation:

In its core, Adaptation is about a writer who starts a new script with the best of intentions and can not find his way out of it midway through. So he throws more and more random stuff at it, thinking it will help him find a way out, but it just gets worse and worse. Entire plot lines start to not make any sense, characters say things they would never say and even the faintest hope of finding an ending fizzles away. In the end we become so desperate, we attend a Robert McKee seminar, shouting in our heads, "What the fuck am I doing here!?"

2- Barton Fink:

For whatever reason, if anybody wants to see what the inside of a writer's mind looks like, watch Barton Fink.

1- The Lost Weekend:

This is the big one. The head honcho. If you show The Lost Weekend to a young idealist writer who's still filled with glorious hopes and dreams about his future as the greatest author of his generation, you're a scumbag. Let the kid dream for a while.

Billy Wilder's best picture winner from 1945 is about a weekend in the life of Don Birnam (Way too convincingly played by Best Actor winner Ray Milland), a barely functioning alcoholic who used to show a lot of promise as a young man, but hasn't finished a novel in decades. The film follows Birnam aimlessly wondering through life, ignoring his friends and family, doing anything to score a drink and trying desperately to hold onto a semblance of a fresh start that will eventually topple down as soon as he drinks his next shot.

What's that you say? I'm not an alcoholic? Well, that doesn't matter because the bone-chilling horror of The Lost Weekend does not come from the fact that Birnam is an alcoholic. His alcoholism is barely a reaction to the real issue: Cripplingly low self-esteem and a gradual decrease in productivity due to years of rejection after being hailed as the next best thing. Even if you take the alcohol out of the equation, we are still left with the cyclical nightmare: Being inspired by a fresh new idea, gradually becoming more and more disheartened about its outcome and finally, giving up. Repeat the process.

Oh yes, I know about the film's deceptive "happy ending". But here's a little clue: The shot that ends the film is the reverse of the establishing shot that begins it, therefore the first frame and the last frame of the film are the same. This is Billy Wilder's ingenious way of letting us know that while it looks like the story ends, we are actually all the way back at the beginning again. Nothing has changed. Sweet dreams.

Top 5 Films of 2009

As the first decade of the new millennium is coming to a close (Again, I understand that technically 2010 will be the last year of the decade, but no one seems to recognize that so I join in with the rest of the herd), 2009 has proven to be a pretty decent year for movies. Decent, not great. Some critics call it the best year of the decade. Not even close. 2007 was the best year, bar none. There Will Be Blood, Michael Clayton, Assassination of Jesse James, Before The Devil Knows You're Dead, No Country For Old Men, Zodiac, the list goes on and on...

That's not to say 2009 didn't see its share of masterpieces. After the usual crap fest released during January and February, the studios' dumping ground post-Oscar season, the year started strong in March with a surprisingly faithful adaptation of "Watchmen", the first and (probably only) truly adult superhero movie. The summer season, full of tent pole blockbuster fare, was a sore disappointment to say the least (With one glorious exception), especially considering 2008's one-two punch of The Iron Man and The Dark Knight, arguably two of the best superhero films ever made.

This year's impressive big budget fare? We unfortunately saw McG Double Whopper Jr.'s abhorrent Terminator: Salvation (It's bad news when your film makes Terminator 3 look like T2). We watched Hugh Jackman cash in his gigantic check for two hours with X-Men Mediocrities: Wolverine. And we had our senses obliterated, our common intelligence significantly lowered, and lost all hope for humanity with Transformers 2: Revenge of The Sub Woofer, one of the worst movies of the decade. The only saving point was scored by JJ Abrams and his fresh take on Star Trek, the aforementioned glorious exception.

After the mind-numbing summer, we again hit a dry patch with September, the studios' second dumping ground. Then, we hit the ground running with the start of the awards season and we haven't slowed down since. An Education, Up In The Air and Invictus were welcome surprises (Especially Up In The Air, considering I hated Juno). At this point, I still haven't seen Bad Lieutenant, Crazy Heart, Me and Orson Welles and Moon, which I predict might have a shot at The Top 10, if not The Top 5.

So here it is, The Top 5 Films of 2009:

5- The Hurt Locker:

The fact that The Hurt Locker takes place during the current Iraq war is almost an afterthought. It could have taken place during the crusades and it probably would be just as effective.

Katherine Bigelow's powerful film about the lives of an elite bomb squad in Iraq is fully immersing and empathetic with its characters, without plunging too much into unnecessary exposition.

We practically live with these soldiers for two and a half hours, yet we never really know who they really are. We never find out anything really specific about them, much like the way personal relationships must be between soldiers in the field.

This was one of those rare war films that examine the soldiers' state of mind during the war rather than the politics of the specific war itself. It does what many other lesser films try to accomplish: It throws a controversial quote at us at the beginning and actually manages to fully examine the meaning and the ramifications of that quote through the rest of its running time. Yes, to some people war is a drug. It doesn't matter what side they fight and why. After a while, as crazy as it sounds, it becomes the status quo.

The Hurt Locker was the most visceral and horrifying movie going experience of the year. Bigelow handles the many bomb threat scenes with adequate suspense and bravado, yet they are never showy or arrogant.

"The Curse of The Iraq War Movie", which guarantees any fictional film made about the Iraq war will fail at the box-office, inevitably caught up with The Hurt Locker, but there is at least a good chance it will receive a best picture and director nomination. One can hope.

4- Where The Wild Things Are:

How you react to Where The Wild Things Are depends a lot on your personality. The film is, quite simply, what it is. It is a journey into a child's imagination, a wondrous and carefree land created by the child as an escape from the real world. Of course, that's not to say it is perfect. The real world always finds a way of creeping inside even our most seemingly carefree fantasies.

There is no forced plot, or a hero's journey. Max, the boy, and the wild things, are not sent away to retrieve a powerful ring, or a pair of magical shoes needed to bring Max back to his real world. Max can return any time he wants. There is no manufactured antagonist, an evil wizard, or a bad wild thing, strayed away from the pack, swearing to exact revenge. There is only Max, and his imagination.

Since the film is stripped of all conventional plotting or narrative, we are given freedom to delve into our imagination alongside Max's. Therefore, like I mentioned above, unlike many other films, your personality will determine whether or not you'll enjoy Where The Wild Things Are.

Either you think it's a wondrous and endlessly creative land full of fun and imagination, or you think Max is a brat who needs to suck it up and face his responsibilities. Both reactions would be correct in their own way. And some, like me, will not really know how to feel but will acknowledge it as one of the most unique and daring children's films to be made in ages, and one of the best films of the year.

3- Avatar:

Yes, it is a somewhat condescending white male fantasy driven by white guilt. Yes, it is Dances With Wolves in space. Yes, it is simplistic and cliched at times. And yes, we complain way too much.

What happened? Is it that classic American tradition of "all or nothing" creeping back in? Are we forgetting that the highest grossing film of 2009 before Avatar was Transformers 2, one of the dumbest films ever made? Here are a couple more yes':

Yes, it is an exhilarating adventure in the most classic sense. Yes, it restored my faith in big budget event film making. Yes, it is endlessly entertaining and breathtaking. Yes, it raises the bar in special effects in previously unimaginable ways. Yes, every frame is a wonder to behold. Yes, it creates individual characters and gives clear, universal motivations to them and then lead us into grand action set pieces where the end result actually matters, instead of randomly banging a bunch of CGI metal together. Yes, it creates a brand new world with its own set of rules and sticks to those rules instead of reinventing itself as it goes along. And yes, is it fun to watch, from the first moment to the last. Keep complaining, Transformers 3 is around the corner.

2- A Serious Man:

This was a hard choice. Is A Serious Man the best film of the year, or is it the second? The only way I was able to make up my mind was to remind myself how arbitrary list making can be sometimes. In many cases, just because we put a number on something does not necessarily mean it's better or worse than the numbers before or after it. So, A Serious Man is the "second best" film of the year. But I will not argue with anyone who claims it's the best. In many ways, it is.

Here's what I wrote about it in a previous post: "What an amazing film this was. In the middle of this shit storm of mediocrity full of bland superhero movies, bad toy/video game adaptations, sequels, franchise re-boots, unapologetically benign cutesy indie flicks, A Serious Man is truly a breath of fresh air.

Every single minute of this film is unpredictable, honest, genuinely funny, genuinely sad and original, a word that couldn't be used to describe an American film for a long, long time."

Still true.

1- Up:

I've written so much about this miracle of a film in both Turkish and English, that I'll let my blurb from the Top 10 Best Films of The 2000s (In which it placed 7th) do all the work:

"The decade ends with 2009's Up, a true animation classic. One that not only presents an endlessly exciting and breath taking adventure, it also accomplishes something seldom seen in American animation: It has real characters, with real feelings, dreams and motivations. Even though it is part of a format generally marketed to kids, not one frame of it has even a speck of that familiar pandering and condescension observed in countless animated films, especially ones that were released during the 00s.

Underneath the delightful fantasy of Carl Fredericksen, a cranky septuagenarian, voyaging to Paradise Falls with his flying house to fulfill a promise to his wife Ellie, lies a beautifully told story about a man's personal journey into dealing with his own grief and finding new purpose in his life, executed with endless empathy and compassion.

Directors Pete Docter and Bob Peterson go out of their way to crush every children's film cliche known to man. Russell, Carl's unwanted child companion, is not treated as an adult in a child's body, the way children are depicted in almost every family film, but as a real child, confused, goofy and sometimes even annoying. The talking dogs don't have human characteristics or mannerisms, they simply articulate a dog's thought pattern. Balls are good, squirrels are bad. This is, quite simply, a wonderful film."

The Low 5: Five Worst Films of The 2000s

Last July, right around the time Transformers 2 came out, I read a letter someone wrote to Roger Ebert concerning the compounded amount of time lost watching Transformers 2. This person took the number of people who have seen the movie around the world and multiplied it with its mind-numbingly brutal two and a half hour running time and came up with the world-wide, communal time wasted on this piece of shit. The result was something like 300 years. Four lifetimes, wasted on Transformers 2.

We usually discard any bad movie going experience immediately after the experience itself, saying something along the lines of "That was horrible. Let's go have some drinks." But do we realize how much time we really waste sitting through moronic, inept (or unapologetically mediocre), morally corrupt, nausea and/or headache inducing and downright terrible films in any given year, let alone a decade? If we did, I'm sure we'd be much more careful with our film choices. Just this year alone, I had to sit through Gamer, G-Force, Final Destination 3D, Transformers 2, Terminator: Salvation, Night at The Museum 2, Fast and Furious... Already, that's almost an entire day. An entire day out of my year, lost.

About the time wasted during the entirety of the 2000s watching terrible movies, the number is probably too painful to bare, so I won't even attempt to find that out. But it is without a doubt that the first decade of the 00s has seen its share of crap. It is near impossible to pick only five films as the worst films of the decade when there are so many to choose, but I did my best.

Bear in mind that that the films below are ones that I find to be truly depressing, demoralizing and upsetting experiences. The kind where I used that disposable cliche, "I just wasted two hours of my life", and truly meant it. The kind of films that can actually make me lose hope in humanity and our future as a whole.

So, just as an example, The Room, which is without a doubt the worst film of the decade in the most technical sense, has brought me so much joy in the past year that it does not belong on this list. This low five is reserved only for those rare film going experiences that left me feeling disgusted, depressed and hallow. So here they are:

5- Charlie's Angels:

The first multi-million dollar movie directed by a McDonald's menu item. Here's your first clue: Any talentless, clueless, hip goatee-wearing douche bag music video director who insists on calling himself McG, will not a good director make. Combining this moron with a big screen remake of one of the dumbest shows on TV history, now that's just cruel.

For a long time after it's release in 2000, Charlie's Angels set the bench mark for utter, relentless stupidity in both action and comedy. For those of you who wondered why Terminator:Salvation sucked so much, you don't have to look any further than McG's freshman effort.

The action scenes are basically comprised of a combination of random slo-mo and bad wire-fu while McG shuffles his "hipster playlist" to blare out yet another painfully recognizable hit from the 90s. The attempts at "humor" are so obvious and inept, one scene actually involves the angels in drag. Of course, no mention of the terrible acting is necessary. All I'm saying is that when Tom Green delivers the best performance in your film, you're in deep trouble. Charlie's Angels is dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Repeat that for two hours, you'll have a better time.

4- Date Movie:

There's a scene in Mike Judge's underrated Idiocracy, when we find out that the highest grossing film in a future populated entirely by morons is a masterpiece called "Ass". Ass, which won many Oscars the year it came out, is composed entirely of a man's ass, farting every five seconds.

If there are any movies from this decade that proves beyond a doubt that this is where we're heading, it's the "Movie" movies by the mentally challenged "comedy" team Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer. The fact that I didn't even double-check to find out how their names are spelled when I shouldn't even know who these people are makes me feel incredibly depressed.

Trying desperately to cash in on the mildly successful Scary Movie franchise (Which wasn't a masterpiece but at least it contained what could be called "jokes"), the "Movie" movies such as Date Movie, Epic Movie, Meet The Spartans (Change of pace here, the only original move by the team) and Disaster Movie are paler than pale imitations of the spoof genre. Rather than actually exploiting the loopholes and the cliches of the popular genre they are "examining", the craptastic team merely show us random pop-culture icons of the day and have stuff fall on them.

For example: A bad actor poorly imitating Borat shows up out of nowhere, ineptly recites a line directly lifted from his movie, and a cow falls on him. Repeat until movie's over. The films are not only devoid of any sign of intelligence, or wit, or any coherent thought for that matter, they are also shameless scams designed to suck out any hard earned money from their core dumber-than-a-bag-of-dumb-bricks audience.

The films are shot on a very low budget (Which shows), they are barely 70 minutes long (With the team trying desperately to stretch out the running time with excruciatingly long credits sequences that involve very unfunny out takes) and they shamelessly grab onto any opportunity to use product placement, no matter how obvious.

If you consider that merely 30 years ago, comedy masterpieces like Blazing Saddles and Airplane were considered to be the lowest form of entertainment, we are not too far away from Ass: The Movie. By the way, the only reason I single out Date Movie is because it's the one that started this crap fest, and is therefore more responsible than the rest. Otherwise, the films are interchangeable.

3- Wolf Creek:

The 00's will go down in history as the decade that killed the horror genre. Seriously, what happened to the fun in watching a horror movie? What happened to popping in a good horror film and being thrilled and scared, while all the time realizing it's made for "entertainment"? These days, after watching a horror movie, I'm either bored beyond belief, or I feel the need to take a long shower to wash the filth off.

The two genres of horror that dominated the 00s decided to go to two opposite extremes. The slew of Asian horror remakes (Dubbed J-Horror) relied entirely too heavily on suspense without much payoff, and since they were all PG-13 it created a new audience for Horror that Hollywood could exploit. On the other side, the so-called torture porn sub-genre that became popular with the surprising success of Saw and Hostel, sucked out all the wit, fun, and the underlying dark sense of humor of the genre in order to bring us nothing but long, overdrawn, brutal killings.

I thought long and hard about why I hate Saw and Hostel (To be fair, the first Hostel is not "that" bad. At least it has some sense of humor), and all their sequels, spin-offs and knock-offs, and why I love older, sometimes much more violent and graphic horror franchises like Halloween, Nightmare on Elm Street and even Scream. I think the main issue is that those films, no matter how violent, asked us to identify with the victim and feel their terror when they are chased by the kitchen knife wielding masked maniac.

Torture porn, on the other hand, asks us to identify with the killer, and to take pleasure out of the brutal killing of the victim. The issue is never how terrifying the murder is, it's how clever Jigsaw is in the way he drowned his victim in a tub full of pureed rotten pig corpses. How fun.

Any Saw movie could belong on this list. The reason I picked Wolf Creek, Australia's worst import since Kangaroo Jack, is because it's equally dull and despicable. NOTHING happens during its first hour of running time, and I mean nothing, absolutely nothing, nada, zip, nothing. We just watch a bunch of bimbos (One male, two female) driving around the Aussie outback, barely mentioning an almost non-existent sub-plot involving one bimbo sleeping with the other bimbo behind the third bimbo's back.

After director Aussie G'daymate, or whatever the fuck his name is, has enough time jerking us around a "story" he must have realized only merits about 10 minutes of running time, has our bimbos meet their killer. After that, we are asked to watch a girl walk over broken glass on her hands and knees for half an hour straight.

Another reason why I hate Wolf Creek and Hostel II more that their counterparts is because I do have a very big pet peeve about being asked to take pleasure in watching women brutally raped, tortured and killed in long, drawn out sequences. There must be a reason why, after the killer starts his butchering, that the director focuses entirely on the killing of the two girls and forgets about the male victim. There must be a reason why (Spoiler, if you give a shit) only the male character makes it out alive. To be honest, I don't want to know the reason.

2- Transformers 2: Revenge of The Fallen:

Unfortunately still fresh in my mind, there isn't much more I can write about this headache-inducing, proudly stupid, Ass: The Movie Part II, than my original review published a couple of months ago. I believe you'll find enough evidence there regarding my utmost disdain for this "film":

Click here to read my review.

Above: Mudflap and Skids. Michael Bay's response to Amos 'n' Andy.

1- Wanted:

Now we're in The Twilight Zone. Not only did this disgusting excuse for a film made a lot of money, it actually gathered some pretty positive reviews, praising its "dumb action". Roger Ebert gave it three stars, Richard Roeper raved about it. Many critics loved it. I really, really hope that they were all paid off. Because the thought of anyone liking Wanted is depressing to me.

A lot of people do like it, crazily enough. I got more hate mail regarding my incredibly negative review of the film on beyazperde than about any other review. Week after week for almost half a year, I received many facebook messages calling me a hack, a cinematic hate monger, an art-house film critic who has lost touch with the movie going public. If this is where the movie going public's pulse is, I'd rather be out of touch.

On the surface, Wanted is a colossally stupid film. It has no narrative or visual direction. The story is beyond ridiculous (Hired killers who can inexplicably bend bullets read about their assignments through messages hidden in textile), the acting is flat, and the action scenes have absolutely no purpose but to look cool, oh so fucking cool, so fucking awesome, aren't they awesome cool gnarly fucking awesome?!! So why does this single out Wanted as the decade's worst, when clearly dumber action fare was released in the last ten years?

The first reason is because in the middle of its humongous stupidity, director Timur Bekmambatorovotovodorobor (Cheap shot I know, but I really hate this guy) tries desperately to inject his film with fake artistry and make it look like something edgier and grittier and therefore worthy of more respect and cool points, when all we're watching is just another dumb action movie.

The second and much more important reason is how morally corrupt the story is. According to its protagonist, a lowly desk clerk who becomes a hired killer, we are all losers unless we become ruthless, soulless killers, brutally murdering people we don't even know just because their names can be read through a secret code in TEXTILE, FUCKING TEXTILE!!! GOD DAMN IT, ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!!!?

Sorry, lost it there for a second. Yes, according to Wanted, we are all losers, unless we become part of a fascist killing machine and do not question authority. So much for individuality, huh? I would love for Wanted to fuck off and die but with a new video game on the shelves and a sequel in the works, not much hope of that. I am in The Twilight Zone.