Top 5 Ways People of Faith Can Enjoy "A Serious Man"

What an amazing film this was. In the middle of this shitstorm of mediocrity full of bland superhero movies, bad toy/video game adaptations, sequels, franchise re-boots, unapologetically bening cutesy indie flicks, A Serious Man is truly a breath of fresh air.

Every single minute of this film is unpredictable, honest, genuinely funny, genuinely sad and original, a word that couldn't be used to describe an American film for a long, long time.

On top of all this, A Serious Man is an agnostic's wet dream (Say it loud! I'm agnostic and I'm proud!)

As a loose study of The Book of Job, the film has absolutely no pretense towards explaining exactly why such horrible things happen to Larry Gopnik, an ordinary man who tries so hard to be a serious man, someone who is strong against any adversity. Someone who has a firm grip on life. But try as he might, no answers come in any form.

The film doesn't go out of its way to prove that everything happens for absolutely no reason, that everything is random, and that we truly are alone in this universe, nor does it even attempt to give any hints towards the existence of a God that controls everything, a God that has a grand plan for all of us, a God who works in mysterious ways.

How you react to the film defines your worldview. After the brilliant prologue spoken entirely in Yiddish, either you believe the old man who visited the couple is indeed an evil spirit, and the woman saved her family. Or you believe she's a disturbed, delusional person who just did a horrible thing to a sweet, innocent old man.

Even though A Serious Man is one of the best reviewed films of the year, it does receive a lot of contempt from a specific group: People of faith. I'm talking about people who have a fundemental belief in God and his word. People who wholeheartedly believe in the monotheistic faith of their choice or upbringing and, most importantly, in a God who is in control of everything, who has a plan for us all, blah, blah.

There are lots of articles out there branding the film as God-less, since God's mighty hand does not interfere with anything that happens in the film and conveniently solves everything (Like He does in real life, right?). Some of these articles go as far as calling the almost entirely Jewish-made and Jewish-acted film Anti-Semitic.

They think since the three Rabbis depicted in the film are not superheroes who solve all of Larry's very serious problems with a wave of their awesome Rabbinic wands (Does that not sound right or do I just have a filthy mind?), they are portrayed as unrealistic and cartoonish.

So, as a public service for our friends with blind faith, I've come up with five ways you can enjoy A Serious Man:

1- Instead of watching the film as a thought-provoking study on life and God, watch it as a how-to guide on killing dybbuks.

2- Convince yourself that the phone call Larry recieves at the end is God's way of punishing him for committing a sin in order to help his "wicked" brother.

3- Try to remember that the Rabbis depicted in the film are not actually buffoons. They are men who genuinely try their best to explain things using personal experience and scripture. The 5-year-old Rabbi Scott's speech about the parking lot actually makes a lot of sense, if you think about it. Rabbi Nachtner's teeth story was mesmerizing to say the least. And what the older-than-time Rabbi Marshak finally says after we desperately wait for him to impart some of his wisdom might be the coolest thing I've heard in a long time.

4- Adulterers are always punished by God, even if they did not do the deed but obviously had impure thoughts.

5- There's a scene where an attractive woman sunbathes in the nude. Just saying. God will forgive you.

Top 5 Shittier Titles for The Turkish Version of Where The Wild Things Are

Where the Wild Things Are is a wonderful, wonderful film. It's fun, exciting, thought-provoking, dark, scary, emotional. You know, the way a kids movie is supposed to be. It's even a bit dull at times, and I mean that in a good way.

Being a child can be dull and repetitive, and the film manages to find beauty even in its dull moments. There are lots of reviews and feedback from critics and audiences saying it's either too dark and intense for kids, or it's too boring.

I think we got too sensitized from the modern so-called children's entertainment, where everything has to be fun, positive, colorful, dumbed-down, and safe.

God forbid there's a childrens' film out there where the young protagonist doesn't have a clear goal or a conveniently fabricated bad guy to fight against. God forbid we let children see a film that explores and shares their own imagination in an inventive and endlessly creative way.

Anyway, I'm going on a tangeant. There was a point to all this. Oh yeah, the title. I think the English title of the book and the film perfectly describes both pieces in their own way. I say the English title, because guess what name the Turkish distributor thought best described this complex and beautiful film? Are we ready? Drum roll...

"My Friend The Monster"

That's how important a title is sometimes. After changing around a mere couple of words, we have gone from a modern kids' classic to mediocre, straight-to-DVD crap. I just pity the parents who are going to drag their kids to see "My Friend The Monster", thinking it's going to be just another asinine distraction like G-Force.

I'm sorry but I believe any parent who will be willing to drag their kid to a movie called "My Friend The Monster" is not going to be smart enough to appreciate "Where The Wild Things Are".

But, just so I don't have several vital veins pop in my neck due to intense frustration, I once again remind myself that things could be worse, a lot worse. So without further ado, here are Top 5 possible titles even crappier than "My Friend The Monster":

1- That Darn Subconscious.

2- As long as we're doing straight-to-DVD sounding titles, why not a made up title that grown-ass men think kids will find fun and interesting, like Ooby, or Gooby, or some shit like that. They can even change the name of one of the wild things to Gooby. Oh FUCK, I just found out that there actually is a movie called Gooby. Fucking Hagrid as the voice of Gooby The Bear. God damn it.

3- Kid Bites Mom (There has to be a fetish porn with this title somewhere in the underground porn industry of either Thailand or Japan).

4- WWTA (Complete with Michael Bay-style glossy, metallic, boring-as-fuck military font with nothing else on the poster but the huge-ass title so that Bay's target audience, illeterate hilbillies, can at least tell it's gonna be kick-ass, since the title's all big and stuff).

5- Michel Gondry's Where The Wild Things Are Whimsical and Cute in an Artsy and Eccentric Way and Stuff Because I'm French and I'm Artsy and Eccentric and I Use VHS Cameras to Shoot 50 Million Dollar Projects So It Looks All Artsy and Eccentric.

Top Five Alternate Endings for "Wages of Fear"

(SPOILERS APLENTY!!!!)

"Wages of Fear" is a great thriller. A roller-coaster ride that was made before the roller-coaster was even invented (That information is based on absolutely no factual evidence and is probably false). The story of four desperate men who are willing to drive two trucks full of nitro to an American oil rig is both a scathing criticism of American capitalism (It was made by the French, what do you expect?), and an extremely intense nail-biter to say the least.

But there is one teeny tiny issue I have with the film, and that involves the final 30 seconds. Just like any Hollywood movie from the 50s can not have a downbeat ending no matter how implausible (The original ending of The Bad Seed, anyone?), a French film from the same era can not have a happy ending no matter how many story elements lead us in that direction. Therefore, I took it upon myself to re-write a 56-year-old masterpiece and come up with five alternate endings. Enjoy.

1- While driving the empty truck like a careless fucktard after having been through the most nerve wracking experience any human being can go through, instead of driving off a cliff, Mario swerves and runs over Alfred Hitchcock, who inexplicably decided to take a stroll along the nameless South American countryside. Clouzot comes out from behind a rock and urinates on Hitchcock's lifeless body while shouting "I'M BETTER THAN YOU!!" (Not a sentiment shared by yours truly but they did apparently have a bitter rivalry).

2- Mario, played by Yves Montand, reaches the town, kisses Linda, the girl he has been inexplicably cruel towards during the entire film, and breaks into a song-and-dance number that involves all characters from the film, alive or dead. It would be hilarous to see Jo flagging around his flat, limp legs to the beat of the song.

3- Mario returns to town and decides to take a shower, only to find Jo emerging slowly from the water-filled tub. Mario has a heart attack right there on the spot and dies. It turns out Jo faked his own death, along with the mutilation of his legs (I don't know how that's physically possible but go with it). Jo and Luigi (Who also faked his death) knew of Mario's weak heart and planned all along to kill him and steal his $2.000.

4- If you really want a tacked-on tragic ending, Mario is hit by a truck full of nitro coming from the opposite direction.

5- Mario returns to town (once again) and meets a 22-year-old Roy Scheider. He tells Roy, "One day, you will be in my place. And no one but the most trivia-obsessed movie nerds will know what that means."