Top Five Alternate Endings for "Wages of Fear"

(SPOILERS APLENTY!!!!)

"Wages of Fear" is a great thriller. A roller-coaster ride that was made before the roller-coaster was even invented (That information is based on absolutely no factual evidence and is probably false). The story of four desperate men who are willing to drive two trucks full of nitro to an American oil rig is both a scathing criticism of American capitalism (It was made by the French, what do you expect?), and an extremely intense nail-biter to say the least.

But there is one teeny tiny issue I have with the film, and that involves the final 30 seconds. Just like any Hollywood movie from the 50s can not have a downbeat ending no matter how implausible (The original ending of The Bad Seed, anyone?), a French film from the same era can not have a happy ending no matter how many story elements lead us in that direction. Therefore, I took it upon myself to re-write a 56-year-old masterpiece and come up with five alternate endings. Enjoy.

1- While driving the empty truck like a careless fucktard after having been through the most nerve wracking experience any human being can go through, instead of driving off a cliff, Mario swerves and runs over Alfred Hitchcock, who inexplicably decided to take a stroll along the nameless South American countryside. Clouzot comes out from behind a rock and urinates on Hitchcock's lifeless body while shouting "I'M BETTER THAN YOU!!" (Not a sentiment shared by yours truly but they did apparently have a bitter rivalry).

2- Mario, played by Yves Montand, reaches the town, kisses Linda, the girl he has been inexplicably cruel towards during the entire film, and breaks into a song-and-dance number that involves all characters from the film, alive or dead. It would be hilarous to see Jo flagging around his flat, limp legs to the beat of the song.

3- Mario returns to town and decides to take a shower, only to find Jo emerging slowly from the water-filled tub. Mario has a heart attack right there on the spot and dies. It turns out Jo faked his own death, along with the mutilation of his legs (I don't know how that's physically possible but go with it). Jo and Luigi (Who also faked his death) knew of Mario's weak heart and planned all along to kill him and steal his $2.000.

4- If you really want a tacked-on tragic ending, Mario is hit by a truck full of nitro coming from the opposite direction.

5- Mario returns to town (once again) and meets a 22-year-old Roy Scheider. He tells Roy, "One day, you will be in my place. And no one but the most trivia-obsessed movie nerds will know what that means."